Freaking out

I need to focus.

Signs.

Applying to colleges has truly taken a toil on me. I'm so, so tired of word documents now. I'm finishing my last apps as my dog is going crazy because of the New Year's fireworks the neighbors are blowing up. Long night ahead. Can't wait until I'm finished. Party, party, party after all this is done. :)

Almost there.

So two days till college deadlines. TWO DAYS. And then the break will officially begin and last for about a week! :D

Almost there... almost there.. almost there... can't give up...almost there.. almost there.... 2012!

So just sayin' if the world ends in 2012, I'm going to be so mad. :P

I'd say this is probably the most productive winter break. Ever. thank you college.

Hope.

Cranking out them apps. (or at least trying to!)
ONE MORE WEEK. I CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN TOO. :)

yes.

Looking at the positive side, AT LEAST I'M DONE WITH THE SAT. haha.. juniors..

Christmas BREAK

~~~~~









Fall semester of Senior Year is done. DONE. This year was probably the hardest and who said SENIOR YEAR WAS THE EASIEST? Anyways, since I don't have to take any finals for grades, this means I can start doing my college apps now. Only a max of 2 weeks left. omg. I'm trying to do these college apps, but I really, really don't want to....this is bad. I want to just bake cookies and watch a lot of Christmas movies. Looks like the real work starts now for me. Oh well, after January 1st, and with school starting up late, I can play then! :) At least we're putting our Christmas tree up today. YAY.
I need a break. :/

Everyone is getting into their dream schools, wonder where I'll get into.

College

The first batch of college decisions came out today.. and wow.. am I proud of my friends. AMCHS class of 2012.. REPRESENT!

Reminder

I'm looking back at my blog and I've realized that my truly thoughtful and deep posts are in my older posts. Just sayin'
*winks*

P.S. -- WHY CAN'T I WRITE WELL AND EXPRESS MYSELF WELL WHEN I'M WRITING AN ESSAY, YET I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF WELL AND SOUND GOOD ON THIS BLOG? I'VE TRIED WRITING MY ESSAY ON HERE.. YET IT'S NOT THE SAME. WHY? Cause only after long periods of thinking, do posts come up here.. which means the topics I've written about here, really mean something to me. GR.

Words

Once words, sentences, paragraphs, and essays exit my mind and fill the paper. They are mine.

You are the conductor of a majestic orchestra of words. They are yours. Yours only. No one can write the same thought or similar thought with the same sentence, with the same assembly.

I am the conductor and the owner of my own words.

Just Ranting

Why can't college essay topics be more interesting?

For example:

1. Write about a dream you had and how you discovered something/came to realize something/discovered who you are..

2. Who are you?

The Truth

The College Essay Process......
Beware this not a fun and exciting one. But rather a torturous one. At least for this senior.

This is me before I start an essay...

Thinking: This could actually be good.

While writing:

Thinking: Hmmm...and I need to include this and this.. on a roll! yeah!

Stopping in mid-sentence:

Thinking: Where am I going with this? What the hell.

Confused. Frustrated. Moment.

Thinking: What am I doing? What is this that I am writing?

Then... There's two ending either.. a

Ok.. I got this.. revise.. and edit.. and THERE IT IS! MOMENT




Or a OMG .........



Moment..


WHAT DO I DO NOW?

My path to College

College essays drain the life out of you. You have to hack into yourself to discover your darkest secret. You have to make the essay sound not like you're ranting. You have to make the essay perfect, while being you. The irony? I'm not perfect.

You go on a limb and a hunch and furiously write. Then you look up mid sentence and question.. where in the world am I going with this? What the hell.

Why is it so hard.. when it seems so easy? I can write AP English and Spanish essays in a breeze, yet writing about the most hackneyed (SAT prep comes in handy) topics is the hardest thing/process, yet the most simplest sounding/kid sounding product. Diaries at least were fun. No pressure. Life is full of pressures. Haha. Get the pun? Meh, I'm just drained. Imagine this.. I have like 5 more schools to go. Ha. that's funny.

Did I mention it's the holidays? Not for this girl. My desk is scattered with papers... scattered thoughts...

Not true!

Senior year is harder than Junior year.
Who said it gets easier? :( blah!

I'm scared and stressed. College is truly looming. October--my last chance to change my life. *Sighs*

Yet I constantly remind myself that I'm truly blessed, even getting the opportunity to be able to worry over my future is awesome. I will not complain. I will conquer. I will remember and keep in my thoughts all those children and people around the world who really can't choose a future-- maybe don't even have one. I will not blow off this year~ What would they do given the opportunities? --seize them and so will I. I will become that doctor. I will become the hope for these people and I will repay the world for the blessings I've luckily (It is luck...and destiny?--No, that's too sad for the people in harsh conditions. What had they done to receive a harsh "destiny?") received. (:))

Before we complain, let's count our blessings.

School is dominating my life,

Hello. Hello. Well just a quick post. It's sad that I don't have time (well maybe sometimes the time but not the feel) to post much. Last post in the summer. Wait. Yeah, I know. School has dominated my life once again. Kinda. Well school plus all the extracurricular activities.

I'm President of Key Club at my school and well, I'm discovering every meeting that it's truly hard- sorta. I mean, I have experience planning projects and everything, so those aspects do not trouble me, but presiding over/being in charge of a whole club is pretty different. Everyone comes to me for everything, asking the pettiest little question and just getting everything together for a meeting and workday is often time consuming. I love learning to become a better leader and utilizing my leadership skills and traits that I already have, but I figure I still have a ways to go. One of my main problem is not being too serious or critical. I can't seem to be a detached, serious, hardcore strict person and so sometimes no one listens. But I guess being the amiable leader is better, one who is able to connect with other people. I need to learn how to be more strict though, cause that's a part I'm kind of lacking. I must say though I'm blessed that I'm learning and experiencing these things now. Yeah, going from a StuCo Committee Head, YAC Treasurer, and Key Club Secretary to the StuCo Historian, YAC Secretary, and Key Club President is a pretty big shift especially in Key Club. I learned a lot about project planning and executing and even was head of a committee of like 30 people, so I'm not under prepared for Key Club, but it's a whole different dynamic there. Hope my officers get more united as the year progresses cause we need unity. Wish me luck! **Oh and all these years I thought it would be easy to lead a group in a meeting and be the only one talking in the silence... but oh man.. it's pretty touch, esp. when your tongue gets tied up and everyone is just staring at you. HA. Lesson learned. Things always appear/seem easier than what they truly are. I learn something moral everyday. :)

I've always loved to write, especially if it's not graded, and I find that I'm loving it more these days (when I don't have the time--irony and another lesson--craving and loving the things and activities now ever more because you can't do them now..oh man.) The way that a empty piece of paper or computer screen fills with your words-- your own unique assembly of words--that make a coherent and meaningful message has always captivated me. While I type I sometimes tilt my head sideways and see how the letters just seem to appear and fill the page as the words trickles out of my brain. The reason I am writing now is because I don't what to forget anything I am thinking about or feeling. I really don't what to lose that symposium of words to the hidden, dark emptiness of my brain. Sometimes the thing that keeps me up at night is simply thinking. Forming words and sentences that sound really profound and often thinking of innovative and meaningful ideas. The sad part is that in the morning it's all gone-the orchestra of words to the dark parts of my brain-- never to enter out of my brain the same way it had the night before.... how sad. So I try not to think/talk too much (to myself) before going to bed -- because I'll forget in the morning. I want to write about so many topics and issues..I truly do. Remember the previous post where I wrote some topics..I never got around to writing about them.. but I've thought about them and yes at nights, in my brain, I've written about them.. yet now all that is lost in my brain somewhere. No doubt when it does come back again, the words will be different and the ordering so it'll be different, yet the same.

Peace!-- We need more of this in the world today. Oh yeah, we're reading The Things They Carried by Tim O brien, and it reminds you how much war sucks. The killing of humans. I hate war. Period.

Girls' State

I'm off to Girl's State!!! :D

Will be writing about it afterwards!!
June 12-18th!

Summer 2011

Summer 2011 has Begun*!

Wow. Junior year is over. Summer 2011 has now begun with the SAT IIs being over from June 4th. Wow. I'm almost a senior. A SENIOR. The time for college apps, essays, etc. will soon begin as I'm leaving the SAT phase ....

Well. The time I've been waiting for soo long has finally arrived and I'm excited and anxious as I hope to use this time very efficiently! ~hopefully ;)
Every year at the start of summer, I make all these plans for how I want to spend my time, and more often than not, at the end of vacations, I regret the days I've wasted doing literally nothing.. this year..no more.
In my last post, I typed up some of my New Year Resolutions and wishes.. and honestly, I was unable to fully fulfill some of my goals for Junior Year. Remember Chemistry? Well...umm.. I don't think the AP test was that great.... time and free response was killer. Well, anyways.. despite some of my failures during the spring semester of Junior Year, I've learned that I can't change the past. What's happened and done can't be changed. Pessimistic right? We mess up something.. say hypothetically an AP test for example (for me numero uno for this year, numero dos for my life) and when it's done, when the teacher calls time and you put your pencil done, it's done. Fin. Final. You can't change anything about it. That's when all the guilt and regrets start seeping in. "Why didn't I review that chapter? Why didn't I look over Faraday's Law? Practiced more with equation writing?" And the list goes on and on.... Regrets. Tears. (<- OK, maybe not) Panic. The whole package.

But then, I couldn't dwell in this bubble and cocoon of regret because the next day I had another AP test. It was hard getting over screwing my Chem AP test, but I had to motivate myself to keep myself together and focus on the other tests ahead of me. I think that's the hardest part with having a string of the most important tests of the year (aside from SATs). Focusing and keeping yourself together. The studying was manageable and I have to admit entertaining at times [My friends and I agreed to only converse in Spanish to practice weeks before the test.. I think this helped alot: hint].

But after that Chem test on Monday in May, number 1 out of 4 this year, I pretty much lost my confidence. Which was extremely disadvantageous considering I had Spanish the next day. So I had to pull myself together and honestly it took time. Hours. At first, while I was doing some last minute prepping for Spanish, I really couldn't. I couldn't speak it. I couldn't write it. I essentially just lost it. But with some pep talk :) I realized that I had to just forget about Chem. What happened all ready occurred. It's the past now. No fixing it. I screwed up, but I couldn't screw up all my AP tests cause of that one. So swallowing hard, I faced it. No one can fix the past, but the future was still "fixable," still "changeable." It was still up to you to write it. And if one thought it was too late and essentially gave up on that future task, it would soon become the past and then one would have more regrets and could not change it even if one wanted to. SO0o.. I guess what I learned was that I needed to take charge [as in study] when I was still in charge, when I was still the author, when I was still the commander [when I could still change the outcome.]

Chem- it's been hard you! -- but nevertheless, I learned a ton from you..... Learned that to study for a math based test, doing practice problems after problems was the most vital instead of just reading the chem textbook/review books. Although I learned the hard way of the truth of what my parents had been stressing for a long time, I was able to truly "get" it and learn it for other tests. As I studied for the Chem SAT II, determined not to screw this one up, I did practice test after practice test, problem set after problem set ..... all the while, regretting.. "why didn't I study like this for the AP Chem test?" That's when it's no point to lament over past deeds and regrets, as long as one learned from them. We have to just move on.... just like the world.

So I guess, when you have the chance.... do it! -- don't have regrets later. And if you had already made a mistake, let it go as you can't afford to lose something else [time, self-esteem, confidence] because of it. Thank you AP Chem for teaching me these lessons as now I know how painful math-oriented AP tests are if I don't study that right way. I guess you've saved me from screwing up future AP tests and college exams. :D

For this summer, I will try my very best to save it! :D I am volunteering at St. Joseph's twice a week nowadays and will be going to Girls' State tomorrow! In addition, it is my goal to continue to write posts on this blog and reconnect all my feelings and thoughts about what I do during volunteering and at camps. Finally, I will write posts about some issue that I am interesting in...
I've always wanted to write posts about the following topics since this year/last year and since I now have the time.. I shall!! :D

be on the look out for posts about:

* Haiti - One Year
* Unit 731
* Death/War
* Grapes of Wrath
* Books I've read this year in English class and what I've learned
* Personal experiences
* Girl's State
* St. Joseph's
* etc.

I challenge you to efficiently use your summer! :D [or at least try to]

New Year Resolutions.....

.....are my thing. I like writing down a set of "things" that I would like to get done or improve in the new year. I'm a schedule-planning loving person. Here's the catch though... I rarely end up following it. I usually spend so much time, writing an hour-by-hour schedule...only to have it "ruined" by sleeping in 2 hours or just being lazy. Well, this year....I'm going to change that.
~~~
The first semester of Junior year has taught me so many things and aspects about life. I failed my first test in high school, had my first mental breakdown, really almost gave up on myself, was in a slump (-> as in my confidence level [my mom even bought me a self-confidence book? yeah... ]), really tasted what failure was like and most importantly, discovered that college is inevitably on the horizon. Yeah.. what a great first semester, which was like half of the 2010 year. [Sophomore year 2nd semester doesn't really count cause I really didn't struggle in my classes then.] Junior year really slammed me in the face. 4 AP classes. Ehhh, it's not really that bad, considering that many of my friends are taking 5-6 AP classes as Juniors. Not bad.. until I got lazy, and didn't want to do my homework (CHEMISTRY!!! ) Until I gave up on myself. I felt like I was in a huge ditch [of course I dug it though] that I just couldn't get out of. And that's how my first semester ended. Full of failures, it seemed like. [Of course not without its good days/moments, but those are different stories.] I always wanted to write about these feelings on my blog then, but just "didn't have time.."... well more accurately.. didn't make the time. Anyways, writing now [cause school starts late tomorrow!!! MAYBE SNOW DAY!! WHOO HOOO!!] Looking back, I really don't know how I managed to survive that semester. Don't get me wrong I looked forward to English III AP, Chem AP, Spanish AP, and APUSH (:)) before the school started. Excited about the challenges. Until my mindset changed. Soon (oh let's say after 1st six weeks...so 2nd six weeks) life was extremely difficult (in the academic sense..don't get me wrong, I am the lucky one, getting to type in the warmth while millions of other teenagers starve and work long hours. Yes, I'm the lucky one. The one who is given a chance to succeed. A chance to change others' lives.) During the second six weeks, PSAT was in that six weeks, I grew hopeless and had that sense of desperation that no matter what I did, I couldn't do anything; that I wasn't good enough. Ha, Asians aren't suppose to struggle academically right? [Gosh, do I hate stereotypes.] Well, boy did I struggle. And because of it and stress, I feel that I really didn't enjoy that semester, didn't notice the bright blue sky or Abbey's (my dog) energetic and optimistic attitude. But now.. I'm different. I feel different. I've learned. Haha.. reminds me of my definition essay from English class .. I wrote about success and failure.
~~~~
The winter break really changed everything. I feel that I kind of transformed. No, I still the short, little Asian girl, but I had a different mindset than before it seemed like. I discovered that attitude or "mind stability" seems to be the most important aspect of being successful. When I told myself that if I just tried, I could do it........ I did it. I feel this new year will reap in more successes and if failures happen to block my path, I know now to boldly confront and learn from them. I also discovering to my joy that AMCHS teachers are the best and truly have our backs. For example, when I did extremely terrible on my Chem test, Ms. Jones would pat me on the back and her eyes looked sad, because she knew that I could do better. And this really touched me. And even though I continually got horrible grades in that class for a while, she never gave up on me. She cared. All my teachers care. And this is what will push me this semester. And so it's been my new year resolution to do all my hmwk and really really really try to make that A that seemed to be a rare occasion; goal: make those A less rare now :D
With this new mindset and the thought that I CAN CONQUER all my goals and dreams, I ventured into the 2011 new year. And guess what? I'm doing pretty well. Got a 100 on my chem test (earned some of my pride back there) and As have become more regular lately. Now I just need to maintain it. Well, I figure that if I maintain this "mind stability," I'm good.
--So this year, I'm not going to be lazy. Not going to make the excuse that I can't do it, cause I CAN. YOU CAN. And as a minor resolution, I will try to post more on this blog. Who knew typing up feelings and thoughts, re-energizes you? Reminds one of the goals? :D I guess that's the power and beauty of writing.
~~ This year, I going to have posts that are like this one... more personal ones. And posts of topics and events that are happening world-wide which are truly inspiring and important. [Sidenote: I feel that we are so ignorant of what's happening in the world. If I don't watch the news or ask my parents, I simply do NOT know what's going on. Like, I haven't heard a SINGLE WORD on the Jasmine Revolution and the Egyptian Revolution that are occurring right now. NOW. We are too oblivious. But then again, ignorance is bliss, right?]
And of course, posts of the books that we read and discuss about in English class. [English discussions are so enlightening and enriching... so deep.] -> oh another resolution.. to find the gut to talk and contribute to English discussions. I mean I love talking and I WANT talk but ... why is it so hard to present my ideas and opinions in class?? *sighs*

Future Posts that I have in mind this year:
* Haiti Earthquake: A Year in Review
* Jasmine Revolution and its start
*Chilean miners miracle
*Grapes of Wrath <- loved it! *Etc!!! Thanks to the late start day tomorrow, I've wrote all this. :D Now, time to study for that physics test tomorrow. (:P) Inspirational Video that helped me get through my slump:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkCFeNeqyHk


~~What are your thoughts? ~~