My dad said that I looked like a slowly dying person. ha. funny.

When people ask...

Now that decisions are out, the only thing left is for all the parents and underclassmen asking me about them. "Did you make Harvard, etc" I think this will prob be the worse.... I had about 5 underclassmen question me with hopeful eyes and I couldn't really answer them: "no, i got rejected and waitlist in everything, except like 2." I just shrugged, shook my head once, and walked away. Sorry if it's rude. I just can't take the whole awkward moment afterwards. A moment of silence afterwards with a "Oh" on her/his part and then a "yeah" and huge exaggerated smile on my part. I don't mind going to UT, I'm just disappointed in myself. I really can't wait to move away from this town that has set so many expectations and stereotypes on me. Can't wait to face the Korean women. Great. I'm a solider going off to the slaughterhouse/war. Can't Wait.

A New Chapter

It's time for me to close my college dreams and face the cold reality of rejections.
I will make a collage of all my rejection and waitlist letters and take them with me when I go to college. And everytime I feel like giving up or just doing badly, I will look on this said collage and recharge. I will not be the one receiving all the rejections in 4 years for medical school. Bring it on. :)

Mis padres

The one thing (out of lots) that I like about my parents is the way they're so optimistic. Always telling me this isn't the end, when it sure does feel like it...
Always, even when it does not look like it or feel like it, they believe in me.. at least deep down.

Just once in my Life...

I love my friends. My amazingly smart, I-still-have-a-life friends. But just once in my life, I want to be the person getting congratulated on something. I've congratulated and celebrated so much with my friends and I am truly ecstatic and proud of them. Yet, I wonder when it'll be my turn to impress them, I guess? I know that their process was probably full of blood and tears and that they just keep that a secret, but will that day come when people will be proud that they know me? They haven't here in College Station. Well, I can change that these next four years. College will be my new beginning that I desperately need. High school just seems like a black hole for some reason. Something just feels empty/missing.

Waitlist sucks.

'nuff said.

Life is a Marathon

Life is a marathon and we are all marathon runners.
College is only at the 10 or so km mark. We have so many kilometers left.
You never know in a marathon who's going to win.
We just gotta keep running.

Rainy Day Thoughts

It's interesting and sad how much location changes perspective and truly every aspect of life.

This week was when Kony 2012 came out and captured the thoughts and attention of millions of online viewers and people. While in bed, smothered with blankets, I opened the link and watched the 29 minute video. During those minutes, I "traveled" to Uganda and "experienced" Jacob's pain, as tears silently flowed down my face. His words to his gone brother, who was basically beheaded in attempts to flee the LRA, his pleas for the Americans to kill him "if possible," the pain and fear in his face. Yet also, his hope. He looks shy as he tells the cameramen of his dream of becoming a lawyer. He smiles faintly, as if even he knows that his dream is far-fetched and impossible to reach. He knows that it is. All because he lives in Uganda. All because of location. As I watched and re-watched some segments, like other millions of viewers, I wanted to do something. To help. But how? As these thoughts filled my mind at 4 am, I then turned off the I-phone, tightly hugged my pillow, and went to bed. Turned it all off and went to bed, knowing that I am safe. Knowing that these problems are far away. We are able to just shut out problems and continue on with our lives, worrying about college decisions, and knowing that in the end, God will provide. We continue on with worrying over boys, typing out thoughts and rants on blogs, complaining about how much life sucks and how grades are dropping and ruining lives...all these complaints and worries never being life and death situations. All because we live here. All because we were born to our individual set of parents.



How is that? Why is that? Why does God seem to provide for us, yet often times, in our eyes, not for them? Don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian, yet I'm just one with questions. God told us and promised us to not worry about tomorrow, about the clothes we wear or the food we eat.. yet why does this promise seem to apply to the more well off and not others? I'm sure it does and as a human I can't see and understand what's going on and everything. Free will stuff I guess? When college decisions for UT came out and some of my friends did not get their wanted majors, they just said it wasn't meant to be and God has other plans. I'm sure my parents and I will say that once my college results come out, but hey, we rely on God so much in such comfortable situations. We say that it wasn't meant to be, knowing that we'll be going somewhere. Yet, what about the people in Uganda, Syria, North Korea, etc.? Believing in God and relying on Him is so easy here. Believing and trusting God when you're a child solider, when you're a sex slave, when you're starving... that's true and that's real faith. [Disclaimer: I'm not saying we don't have real faith, here. Sorry if it sounds that way.] Yet, more often than not, why do our prayers seem to be answered, yet theirs aren't? Maybe it's just that that things we pray for (college, happiness, etc.) just happens here when we try. There are no answers to these questions. See, truly, ignorance is bliss. The more we don't know about what other people are suffering through, the more we don't think about it. The more we continue to complain about every aspects of our lives. I complain a lot and having watched Kony 2012 and after reading a TIMES article about Syria... I'm ashamed to have done so. Just being able to sit here and type is a blessing. Yesterday as the heavens roared and thunder, lightnings, and rain poured down from above, I noticed how strong our ceiling was. How comfortable and safe everything was, when outside it was horrible. Just imagine camping outside now. That's how some people live.






~~I don't care if it's hard ... I'm becoming a doctor and that's how I will help. Granted, I can give little help by donating my time and money now, which I do in service clubs, etc. But the true help will come later. And I will make it happen.

Imagine if we all switched positions with people in Uganda, Syria, North Korea, even for a day, while having all our old memories. What do you think the people who got our lives would do? Think about it.




***Senior Year has really been a time where I questioned different aspects of life and switched political sides multiple times, while to figure out that politics is just plain corrupt. That no matter how hard we try to fix a problem, a bigger one exists and so fixing something is just impossible. That all politicians want is money, fame, and votes. That economically there are solutions to many of our million dollar problems, yet morally that just can't happen.

I have so much time now that extracurricular activities are winding down and we did not have a Key Club meeting that I need to prepare for because of TAKS testing.
So much time. I never really realized how great it is to come home at 4:15. So much time. All for me.

And to think, this is all over my dog.
Really ironic/sad/unfair how I'm getting depressed about the well-being of my dog for the years to come, while millions of people are starving to death/dealing with harder situations.

I am blessed.

I don't want to grow up anymore.
I'm going to be here all alone this fall.

I don't want to go to college anymore.

My parents/we are moving to Korea this summer. My parents and I have been cleaning and packing our stuff that we had for at least 17 years. At first, I was excited to get to go to Korea, but now it seems all surreal.

We pack and we uncover so many lost memories and treasures from the long years ago. We spend lots of time just looking at old photos and toys, recalling back all those dusty, happy memories.

But really, packing a house that we lived in for 10 years is hard. It just finally hit me, that this place that I am inside of will no longer be the place that I rush to after school. And so what.. it's just a building right?

But then there's Mr. Abbeyboy.
I love this dog. My dog. He's the most nicest and genuine living thing in this world. He guards my window at night and understands both Korean and English. <3
He can sit, down, play dead, roll over, shake hands, stay, catch, come, and be a great sport. He also eats a little bit of grass and looks and acts like a cow.

Thing is, as hard as it is, I'm ready to let go of College Station and our house, but I just can't and don't wanna let Mr. Abbey go. We're moving to Korea, which means that this 7-8 year old dog prob won't make the flight there as "cargo." Also, apparently we can't find space for him to live at.. cause my parents don't even know what jobs and places they'll be at. Korea is just not gonna be a happy Texas place that he's used to. So we really can't take him. He'll be happier here. So I'm looking for a new home here. I don't wanna go to college anymore. I'll live through this boring old life again until Abbey is like 20.

I thought I was a change-loving person. Just personally felt that with change, there are always some sacrifices. I don't like this change. For his sake.